Friday, 10 May 2013

Star Wars Toys We Really Want To See

    Collecting Star Wars merchandise can be a daunting prospect.  It's never so much a case of where to start as where to stop.  Assuming the endless parade of increasingly obscure characters who get an action figure ever does stop.  But part of the attraction of such a rich character universe for the action-figure-orientated is the anticipation of which obscure character will next get an action figure.  I mean, who knew that the death-stick-dealing character in 'Attack of the Clones' had a name like Elan Sleazebaggano until his action figure came out.  Or that the best part of the Jabba the Hutt playset was the Salacious B. Crumb figure that came with it.
    But for the ultimate in obscure characters that get an action figure goes to Willrow Hood.  Who? I hear you ask?  Well, he's a character that briefly appears (and by brief, I mean a couple of seconds) in The Empire Strikes Back as everyone in Bespin is panicking and running for dear life from the horrible Empire holding what looks like an ice-cream-making machine.


There's even a 'Running of the Hoods' celebration day (held on the 24th of August) to celebrate this hero/looter.  Star Wars fans are a weird lot.  So popular was this cult figure that he finally got his own action figure in 2009.  Complete with Ice Cream making machine.


    But for all that, it isn't enough for some Star Wars fans, especially those with a twisted sense of humour.  So I present to you, The Star Wars Toys We Really Want To See!
    Some of these are actual custom toys that are for sale on Ebay.  Some of them are obvious piss-takes, and some of them are...well, see for yourself.

1. Luke Skywalker Bespin Duel (minus hand)

    Luke lost his hand in a duel with Vader on Bespin because he wasn't ready.  And he was a sook.  And he was cocky.  And he needed putting in his place.  Why doesn't that get an action figure?  Luke minus hand.  It's a no-brainer really.
    In case you were wondering what happened to Luke's severed hand...

The Secret Tale of Luke's Severed Hand

2. Anakin Skywalker Defeated on Mustafar
    Before Luke lost his hand to Vader, Vader lost a lot more body parts to Obi-Wan.  Then he was set on fire.  And left for dead.  Because he wasn't ready.  And he was a sook.  And he was cocky.  And he needed putting in his place.  (must be a Skywalker thing).  Action figure for that?  Yes, please.

3.  Dead Ewok
    Remember that Ewok in Return of the Jedi that didn't quite make it?  Well he (or she, or it) should be commemorated with a figure as well.  Because a Dead Ewok is much funnier than a live one.

4. The Force
   The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.  It's pretty damn important in the Star Wars Universe.  Arguably it's the central character in Star Wars.  Why doesn't it then have an action figure?

5. Owen Lars and Aunt Beru (Charred)

    Now we're talking!  Both Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru have action figures based on them when they were alive.  But it wasn't their life that triggered off Luke to walk the path that would transform the galaxy and remove the universe from the oppressive grasp of the Sith.  It was the sight of their charred, smouldering remains, left behind by stormtroopers in their quest for 'those droids' that was the trigger for Luke's decision to follow Ben Kenobi into destiny.  Because he had already decided that he didn't want to be involved.  He needed a bitch slap from Destiny to set him straight.  And this was it.  The universe hung upon it.  Action figures for this pivotal moment in history?  Yes, please. Bonus double pack.

6. Dead Jawa
    Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru had a deep emotional impact upon a young Luke Skywalker, and the ramifications shook the universe.  But who gave a shit about the shot-up Jawas?  Well, you can, if this commemorative action figure is ever released.

7. Captain Antilles (Choked)
    Captain Antilles (no relation to Wedge) lead a spirited but futile resistance on board the Blockade Runner to the Imperial boarding party in the first ever Star Wars scene.  For his heroic efforts, Vader picked him up and choked the life out of him during an interrogation, old skool.  Heroically, Captain Antilles did not reveal the location of the Death Star plans.  A heroes death deserves an action figure, wouldn't you say?

8. Greedo with Blaster Hit
    Hoo-boy!  Who shot first?  Han Shot First!  Greedo Shot First!  This is a seriously passionate debate in fandom which gets to the heart (no pun intended Greedo) of how much post-release interference with movies directors should be allowed.  It's a serious issue, but as far as both versions of the movie goes, the end result is the same.  Greedo cops a blaster to the chest.  Commemorate this pivotal moment in post-release interference and the endless debate of how much of a bastard Han Solo should be with this action figure of Greedo, who, it is fair to say, doesn't give a shit either way.

9.  Princess Leia (mechanic)
    Another feature of the endless churn of Star Wars toys is not only the increasingly obscure characters that get a toy, but the endless variations of main characters that get another toy because of a costume change, or a status change (see Luke Missing Hand above).  Remember the good old days when the only character to get a second toy was Luke Skywalker in X-Wing gear?  Yeah, I'm that old.  So how about commemorating Leia in mechanics goggles, repairing the Millennium Falcon just before that kiss, just because goggles.  And weirdo repair accessory stolen from a rival toy range.

10.  Padme Skywalker (pregnant)
    Padme is a classic example of cashing in on the above-mentioned craze of multiple action figures for a single character based on a costume change.  The Prequal Trilogy was much more of a costume drama than the original, especially with Padme.  She was a strong, plucky go-get-'em kind of gal, until she married a Skywalker.  Then she became a sook.  And she wasn't ready.  And she needed putting in her place.  Must be a Skywalker thing.  Commemorate Padme at her sookiest, with a couple of sooky Skywalkers growing inside her.  It's a triple-pack, when you think about it.  A triple-pack of sookiness!

 11. R2-D2 (Bartender)
    Did anyone else see R2 on Jabba's sail barge as a mobile drinks dispenser and think "Finally!  R2 has found his calling in life?"  Of all the seriously useful things that R2 can do, dispensing drinks is probably the number one function (with his functions as an astro-mech a close second).  R2 is the perfect height for most sentient alcoholic lifeforms in the Star Wars Universe (sorry Yoda).  What a brilliant idea!  Sheer Genius!  Action figure?  Yes please!!

12.  Head Man (Uzay collection)
     All right.  This character needs some explaining.  Head-Man is so obscure that he doesn't even appear in any of the Star Wars movies at all!  Despite a more-than-passing-resemblance-to-a-naked-Imperial-Guard.  In the 1980's in Turkey, a series of toys were produced which were unashamedly ripped off from the Star Wars line.  They were bootleg toys, and attempted to skirt copyright laws by leaving off single letters from the names of characters (like Dart Vader, and the Stormtroper).  This line of Starswar (sic) toys are infamous and for the most part direct rip-offs.  And then there is Head Man.  He's a naked Imperial Guard (red, original trilogy) stripped of his red cloak, painted wildly different colours and given a shield.  Instant Head-Man!  He's a real action figure, but seriously hard to get.  Good Luck!

13.  Jar Jar Binks (in Carbonite)
    OK, this is another action figure that does commercially exist, and well within copyright.  It's the limited edition Hasbro Comic-Con Exclusive (wait for it) Jar Jar Binks in Carbonite!  The fact that this never happened in the movies should be no excuse, because it should have happened!  Jar Jar Binks is the most hated character in the entire Star Wars Canon and Expanded Universe, and that is a considerable achievement considering that he is competing with Ewoks, Ani Skywalker, Dexter the four-armed greasy spoon guy/alien/thing, and Boba Fett as a kid.  It is the height of Star Wars coolness to find an inventive way to kill Jar Jar...

See some suggestions here

For those who don't wish death upon anyone, even Jar Jar, the only other option is to place him in Carbonite.  Problem solved, and seriously cool gansta wall hanging.  Genius!

14.  Tie Fighter Debris

    Not an action figure per-se, but a cool idea nonetheless.  There must be heaps of this stuff floating around the universe, given how much the Rebellion loves blowing up these mass-produced laser-fodder pods.  Explosion sold separately.

15.  Dewback Dung
    Another cool idea deserving of a blister-pack toy.  This one, I believe is actually a custom toy available for purchase through a dealer on Ebay, so you can seek and purchase and have for your very own.  Leave a trail after your Sand-trooper and Dewback toy set.  Breaks the ice at Star Wars Day parties!

16.  Rankor Skin
    Another one that I believe is available for purchase through a dealer on Ebay.  Rancor Skin.  In a blister pack!  You know you want it.  Nothing is too silly for this merchandising monster!  With imagination, can combine with a regular Jar Jar Binks toy in an entry for 'Imaginative Ways to Kill Jar Jar Binks' competition.  Don't be the last kid on your block to own this!

17.  Santa Darth Maul
    Now we're getting silly. 

18.  Yoda Claus.
  Stop.  Now.

19.  Destroyed Alderaan Action Playset. 

    Yes, playing in the destroyed remains of the planet Alderaan should be high on the list of things to do with your Star Wars Space Vehicles (sold separately).  Have them dodge chunks of Alderaan in a space duel!  Look for charred remains of Alderaan citizens (sold separately).  Buy enough sets, and a ton of super-glue and try to put Alderaan back together again!  Endless fun!

20.  Smouldering Moisture Farm Playset

    Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru (charred) will need the burnt-out remains of their (and Luke's) home for added emotional effect.  Sold separately.  Add Stormtroopers (sold separately) to the playset and Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru (alive) figures (sold separately) and re-create the scene that didn't appear on-screen.  Cinema was robbed of this pivotal moment, that doesn't mean you have to be.  

Bonus Action Figure  Suck Patrol  What's My Fucking Problem?


    Don't ask.

Update 23/6/14

Han Solo.  Episode VII.  (Too soon?)





6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Brilliant piece, and nice to see some of my work there - thanks for posting and May The Force be with You....

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    1. Thanks! May the Force be with all of us! Feel free to post a link to your work here. I'm sure some folk out there would love to get their hands on them.

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  5. Funny! Thanks for sharing! I really wish some of these existed!

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